For The Newcomer

What is the solution for us?

There are different manifestations of the same problem that are responsible for us being here. Some of us respond to social stereotypes of what a sexolic is, but others do not. Some of us were driven to sell or buy sex in the streets, others to obtain it anonymously in bars and public places. Some of us participated in destructive adventures that made us suffer or consumed an unhealthy obsession with a specific person or with several successively. Many of us did not externalize our obsessions, and resorted to compulsive masturbation, to images, to fetishes, to snooping (voyeurism) and to exhibitionism. Some of us mistreated others. And in the case of many of us, our families, fellow workers friends suffered the consequences of our compulsions. We thought we were the only ones who could not stop doing what we did whatever it was-against our will.

When we learned about SA, we discovered that despite the differences between us, we had a common problem, the obsession with lust, usually combined with a compulsive need for sex in some of its forms. We saw that, viewed from the inside, the attitudes and feelings of all of us were similar. Whatever the characteristics of our problem were, we were languishing spiritually-guilt, fear and loneliness were killing us. As we discovered that we had a common problem, we also discovered a common solution: the twelve steps of recovery that we practice in our fraternity and whose foundation is what we call sexual sobriety. (See pages 193-196 white paper)

Our definition of sobriety represents, for us, the basic and necessary condition to achieve a definitive liberation from the suffering that brought us to SA. When we have tried to deny what our common experience teaches us, we discovered that recovery was getting out of hand, whether we were men or women, married or single; we would have had sexual relations with people of the same or opposite sex; and this is true regardless of whether our relationships have been “committed”, “meaningful” or one-night adventures; or even if we have resorted to sexual relations with ourselves as a physical escape valve. Like the men and women of Alcoholics Anonymous fifty years ago, “walking with half measures did not help us.”

We do not pretend to understand all the implications of sexual sobriety. Some of us have come to the conviction that it has a deep spiritual dimension, while others maintain that without a firm and clear definition, our sexolism would take over sooner or later. We do not pretend to affirm that sobriety by itself produces a lasting and joyful recovery. Like alcoholics, we may have stopped drinking without being sober in the deep sense of the word. We, like other addicts, can suffer the withdrawal syndrome when we renounce our drug. However, despite our doubts, struggles and confusion, we consider that sexual sobriety is “the gateway to a happy and joyful freedom that we could not have known otherwise.” That is why we continue in SA.

We have a solution. We do not pretend that it works for everyone, but it is very useful for us. If you identify with us and you think your problem may be similar, we will talk to you about our solution.

Warning

We recommend that newcomers to Sexolicos Anonymous not disclose their sexual past to their spouse or family members who do not know them, without carefully meditating and after a period of sexual sobriety, and even then, only after having spoken with them. your SA godfather or with the group. Normally, when we are new to the program, we feel like communicating our joy to those we feel more united and telling them immediately. These revelations can do a lot of damage to our family members or others, and should be limited to the group we belong to while it is not advisable to proceed otherwise. Of course, if there is any possibility that others are in danger because of our fault, we do what is necessary to try to solve the problem.

Few things destroy both the possibilities of restoring family harmony and premature confession to our spouse or relatives of the violation of sacred bonds or the betrayal of the trust placed in us. Unconsciously, such confessions may constitute an attempt to free ourselves from our guilt, to win their sympathy, or they may be a mere demonstration of willpower. We recommend the Maximum caution and discretion. The amendment of the damage caused to the family must begin with a change of attitude and conduct in our daily life. Later, when our recovery is consolidated, we will discover the way to directly repair the damage caused. The help of the sponsor and the group are indispensable in these cases. If it is true that this is our intention, we will always find a way to do it.

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